Shattered Sorrows
by Vulpine1227
Summary: A Laven story, eventually... Allen gets hurt in a battle, and Lavi doesn't know how to cope! Will Lavi realize his feelings for Allen before it's too late?
1. Prolouge

Ok, so this is my first time writing a story like this… haha! So don't judge me! It's gonna be really really good!!! :D

--------------------------------------------------------------

"Why are there so many?!" Lenalee screamed over the roar of the gathering akuma.

Hundreds were flocking to where the three lone exorcists stood. Their innocence was activated, and they were ready for a battle, no matter how fierce.

The akuma stopped moving suddenly and the noise of rusty gears and machinery stopped as well. Allen, Lavi, and Lenalee looked around questioningly.

"What are they doing?" Allen whispered, mostly to himself, "why did they stop? Weren't they going to attack us?"

Lavi replied to Allen's questions from a force of habit, "I think they might have seen something…" he trailed off looking for the source of the distraction.

Then with a sudden whir and click that deafened them, every akuma opened fire. There were shots everywhere, ricocheting off of metallic poles and fences. A bullet almost hit Lenalee, causing a small squeak of surprise. The exorcists, though outnumbered greatly, fought back with all of their might.

Lavi's hammer grew and he used a fire stamp while Allen blasted innocence filled bullets into a large level one. Lenalee crashed down a small level 2 with her dark boots.

Suddenly, Allen was struck by a bullet, catapulting him off the top of a cliff he was standing on. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and became limp.

"Allen! No!" Lenalee lost her focus and was blown away from the shock of a collapsing building, falling nearer to Allen.

Lavi tried to make his way to the two fallen friends, but now the akuma's focus was on him. Making it to Allen and Lenalee seemed impossible. Luckily, Lenalee was starting to stand up and brush herself off. She looked back at Allen one last time and crushed a nearby akuma mercilessly.

The remaining akuma retreated, something else catching their feeble attention. Lavi rushed to Allen's side to take a pulse and look over his wounds, Lenalee grabbed Allen's hand.

He was still breathing, but very much knocked out. His wounds were minimal, except for a large gaping hole gushing blood. Lavi tried to bandage the hole the best he could with a large strip from his shirt.

"Lavi," Lenalee said after a sniffle, "is he going to be ok? He looks really hurt!" She tried to hold back the tears…

"I don't know Lenalee, I don't know…" he sighed and looked away from her tear-filled eyes.


	2. Medical Ward

-1Hooray! Chapter 1, and in the same day too! How lucky everyone is! Haha, anyways, I'm really liking where this story is going so far (I have about 3 or 4 more chaps written) and I think I'm gonna continue this for a long time! (good news for anyone reading this) :D

OOOH! Lavi's POV! :D enjoy!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I returned to the Black Order with Lenalee behind me. And, due to stupid finders, I had to carry Allen all the way back. ***Not that I minded much… I really wish those finders would have FOUND us…..

The tears that I had cried were dried up hours ago and were making my face itch. But I didn't scratch, I didn't want to drop him. We made it to the medical wing on the 4th floor, Lenalee had gone with Komui for comfort a floor or two back. I laid Allen down gently on a freshly made, white bed. A nurse rushed over and looked at his makeshift bandage. A few routine tests later and she finally spoke.

"He is so lucky, about 10 minutes later, and he would have been dead." She hooked an IV into his forearm and plugged wires into a screen. She called another nurse to help her turn him over and remove his blood soaked dress shirt. I shot one glance back at the bustling nurses and the peaceful Allen, and left. I remembered his silvery hair framing his serene, porcelain face, now rust colored from dried blood.

I felt the tears returning, and ran the rest of the way to Panda's room.

I stared at the bunk bed I shared with the old Panda, and then stared at the thousands of books covering our floor. I pushed them around and made a little path to the bottom bunk. I sat first, took off my boots and threw them in a corner. I took off my headband and set it on a table next to a pile of old books about an ancient civilization somewhere. I was out of my mind and didn't care at all…

I ran my hands over the lumpy, but familiar, mattress. I gently tried to lay on my side, but I realized a bit too late that I had a bruise, and pain shot up and down my left side. I cringed to keep from yelling, and tried to move to my right side instead. I stared at the empty white wall for what seemed like hours.

I felt a tear roll down my nose and drip onto the old threadbare blanket I was laying on. I let the sobs come and go, shaking from the silent tears. I felt sick.

They didn't tell me if he would be alright, he seemed to be ok, but what if the nurse was wrong? What if it didn't matter if I got him here so soon? What if he was dying right now?

But why should I care? Bookmen, they don't need friends, or homes, or really anything but a means to record history. Why should I worry about someone who's going to become nothing but a blob of ink on paper? Why should I cry for my best, and first, friend at the order who was probably dying…?

It's easier if I don't care, but I can't just forget about Allen Walker… at least, not that easily…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AH! Soooo long! reviews please please please! You know you want tooo!

Much love~3

:D


	3. A Visit?

-1YAY! Chapter 3! And thanks to everyone who reviewed and favorited! :D you make my world go round and round and round! Hehe anyways, on to the new chapter, in…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allen's POV

Why is it so dark? And cold… I felt someone's arms around me eons ago, but was that real? Or my imagination? So many questions… but no answers to be found.

"He's still unconscious," a voice, so far away, "it's hard to tell weather or not he'll wake up, and if he does, we can't tell how soon… we don't believe it's a coma, his brain waves indicate a full awareness to sounds and senses."

It sounded so much like Komui…but what does Komui sound like? Have I forgot everything? At least, everything important?

Ah! Something so cold and wet, a tear maybe? Falling on my arm… It's so cold here, I really wish I could wake up soon! I miss Lenalee, I miss Lavi, hell I even miss Kanda… (and that's saying something about me)

When will I wake up?

Lavi's POV

I woke up covered with the ugly quilt, and my headband still off. Had old Panda done that? No, he doesn't act that caring to me…

I stood up, but I think I stood up too fast. I felt sick and the room spun, lights blurring. I ran to the bathroom, teetering and almost falling once. If I didn't know any better, I would have said I was drunk. I made it to the toilet just in time…

When I finished emptying my stomach, and then brushing my teeth, I looked into the mirror on top of the sink. A glassy green eye poked out from under my messy, knotted hair. Pale complexion with a spot of toothpaste left on the corners of my mouth.

I looked like hell warmed over.

I checked the clock from where I was standing, almost eight in the morning. I sighed heavily, my thoughts automatically going back to Allen and his blood stained face. Could I visit him yet? I decided I didn't care if I could or not, I had to check either way. I left my headband on the table next to the bunk bed, ran my fingers through my hair, and ran out the door.

I followed the staircases up until I came to the medical floor. The sterile white walls and white beds were orange and yellow with the rising sun. Only one of the beds was filled, no visitors around at all. I walked slowly, and time seemed to stop. I was scared of what I would see, was he worse than before? Not everyone can survive a gaping hole in their chest.

Ha, funny joke Lavi, really, makes you feel a LOT better… I need help.

Until then though, I reached Allen to find a still peaceful form, but cleaned from the blood. The only red left on him was the scar on his left eye, but it looked darker against his paler-than-normal face. I was so glad they had cleaned him up.

So very glad.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ah, sorry it's so short… but I'm really glad I cranked this out. :3 stupid finals are making me have less and less time lately… but either way, I'm going to type on Saturday and Sunday for sure! So look forward to many many chapters to come! :D


	4. When Everything Breaks

Ah, finally another update right? Hah, new classes are screwing me over big time… so I finally got time to write another chapter! :D

Enjoy!

Lavi's Pov

"Allen?" I tried, half expecting him to wake up, and cursing trying when he didn't. "I'm sorry, I should have tried harder, you wouldn't be here hurt if I had…" I felt even worse saying this out loud, even though I had been thinking it forever.

I sat next to him and stared. I fought the urge to run my fingers through his silky gray-white hair.

"I'm so so sorry! Please, _please_ wake up soon!" I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him a little. It was only a little push, but then I tried shaking him harder, hoping he would jump up and yell "Surprise!" and smile that cute smile of his. I'd have taken the heart attack from that over this any day.

But nothing happened.

He didn't smile, he didn't tell any jokes, no laugh that sounded like silver bells softly ringing. Nothing at all.

"Allen!" I stopped shaking him "awake" and felt something break inside me.

"Why?! Why can't you just wake up already?! I'll do anything! I swear I'll do anything…" I trailed off in a whisper. I closed my eye and sighed heavily. I was damn tired and needed good sleep.

Allen's Pov

I felt shaking, maybe an earthquake? The only thing I can remember after that is Lavi's voice floating away like a feather on the wind. "Allen? Why? I'll do anything!..." Everything faded in and out… and it was still cold, but not as cold as before…

Was someone next to me? I felt pressure on my shoulder and turned to look, but I couldn't see anything. I would give anything to tell everyone that I'm fine… anything just to get up and play cards, and laugh, and hug everyone and tell them everything was ok and nothing was ever wrong…

But until then, everything was black...

Ahhh, poor Lavi, poor Allen! Will they ever realize their true feelings for each other? Stay tuned to find out! Hehe so cliché! :D


	5. Will Things Ever Get Back To Normal?

Ahhh new chapter everybody! :D it's about time am I right? So please enjoy the next installation of… dun dun dun, LAVEN! :D

Lavi's POV

I guess I must have fallen asleep… I woke up to an angelic face and silver hair. I sat up and looked around; I hope no one saw me like this. How long was I even asleep?

I found clock next to the bed… it said 12:00 p.m. I was pretty much screwed; the nurses come in every hour to check on Allen. I figured another hour wouldn't hurt since I'd already been here for more than 5. I stole another look at him, still so peaceful, like he was oblivious to this horrible war we were fighting. What are we even fighting for, to save the world? All this war is doing is killing people, good and bad, it doesn't matter. And all for God… Why would God want this for his creations?

I didn't notice I was still looking at Allen until he moved, well jerked. The heart monitor started beeping crazily; I grabbed his hand (more of a reflex…) and screamed for help. Three nurses ran to the bed and started yelling. Another nurse came up behind me and grabbed the hand I was using to hold on to Allen.

"Please sir exorcist, you need to leave for now," I saw Komui standing behind her as she pushed me out of the way. Is it too late for him now? I ran as fast as I could, passing more nurses running to help the others.

I kept running, too. I ran until I ran (literally) into Lenalee.

"Lavi?! That hurt! Why are you crying?" she noticed tears I didn't even feel fall. She grabbed my shoulders; it felt like she was a very worried mother.

"It's Allen…" and as soon as I said it, I lost it. I fell on my knees and cried harder than I probably ever cried before. Lenalee's arms were like a protective shell.

"Oh my god, is he okay?" she asked quietly, she was starting to crack too.

"He… started shaking and jerking and I couldn't do anything!" I was trying to catch my breath, "th-the nurses made me leave."

"But he'll be fine! I know he will," she sounded like she was trying to make herself feel better more than me… but I could tell she wasn't sure, the tears gave her away.

"No! Lenalee don't cry too! Please… he'll be okay! I'm sure of it!" I was begging, she was the only stable person in my life right now, I couldn't lose that too.

"You promise?" she wiped her eyes and looked at me seriously.

"On my life."

Ahh, only Lavi's pov this time… but it's a long chapter! And I swear I'll write more cause spring break is right around the corner! I'll have way too much free time then! :D (really, I promise!)


	6. Bookmen Don't Have Feelings Right?

Ah I know it's been forever! I'm so sorry… :( but now it's summer and this time I really will keep this up, I've missed writing :) So onward to chapter 6! Haha

Lavi's POV

I went back to my room after making that promise that I know I can't keep. The books were back to being scattered on the floor and beds again. I felt lost in a sea of black; black emotions, black outlook, black life. I didn't think I could take anymore.

I felt sick again, this seemed to be a very common occurrence lately. I couldn't seem to get Allen off of my mind, whenever I closed my eyes all I could see was him covered in blood and not moving… Never moving… I ran out of the room and just ran, I had no destination, just the need to move until I couldn't move anymore.

I found that I wound up in the courtyard behind the Black Order's building. It was always quiet there; I guess I just needed that. I collapsed on the grass and sobbed, I let out everything that I had in me, and I scolded myself for those feelings I knew I shouldn't feel.

When it grew too dark to justify being outside, I went back in and walked to my room again. The Panda still hadn't cleaned the books out of the way. I was angry and tired. I couldn't really control my actions anymore, which is bad news for a bookman… So I kicked and I pushed until I finally made it to the desk, which was also a cemetery of paper. I threw the books to the ground with a short yell and sat down. I took out a sheet of paper and a pen. I felt stinging tears as I began to write, writing was the only way to let my thoughts sort themselves out…

_Allen, _

_Everything is screwed up, especially me. You're in the hospital and it's my fault, if I had been faster, maybe if I could have shielded you, maybe, just maybe, you would be ok. And I wouldn't be in this mess of tears and comforting Lenalee when I'M the one who needs to be comforted._

_But why do I need comfort? I don't understand why I'm suddenly like this, I don't care about you Allen, I don't! _

_So tell me Allen, why do I love you?_


	7. Silence in White

I am so sorry that I've been updating this so slowly, things have been really crazy this summer. I promise that I will update sooner than usual though, since a lot of people seem to be enjoying this so much. Since I'm on that note… Thanks to everyone who's reviewed and faved this story! It means so much to me :) You guys rock, so I promise nice amounts of laven in this chapter ok? :D

Lavi's POV

The days flew by in a fog, as did the weeks. It seems so crazy that's it's been so long since the accident… Every day I visit Allen, every day I hope he wakes up, and every day I'm let down. I just want him to wake up, it's like a feral need deep inside that I never knew I had before. I feel at ease with my newfound feelings for him.

That's a lie, I feel so messed up, almost entirely wrong. I'm a bookman dammit! I can't have friends, and I most definitely can't have feelings.

I need to see him, now.

Allen's POV

I can't take it anymore, why can't I just die? I've lost track of time here, it just feels like forever, for all I know it probably is. I miss my friends. I'd even go so far as to say I miss master… but that's just crazy talk!

Am I crazy? It sure feels like I am. I keep hearing voices, well, one voice in particular. It really sounds like Lavi, but maybe it's my imagination. This may sound strange, but, I kind of depend on that voice every day to get through another eternity.

What if it is Lavi? I sure wish I could see him again. His bright red hair and his cute grin… wait, cute? When did I start thinking of his grin as cute?

I think I am crazy…

Lavi's POV

There he is, like a silent little angel, lying in white on the white bed in the white hall. I've always wondered why hospitals are always white down to the last nail. Most people would think it's because white equals clean in the mind. I'm not most people, though, so of course it's only white because it wants to engulf Allen. Maybe it's white where he is too. I hope it isn't though.

I grab his hand, no response. I look at his skin, it's so pale, but it never looks sickly. It looks white, snow white, white like the walls and the floors. His hair is white too, but I see a small tint of red near his ear. The nurse missed a small bit of blood, so small only a bookman would find it it seems. I pick it away carefully, but I don't move away from his face, I can't bring myself to let the contact break.

I trace his cheek softly, it feels like silk. I touch his eyes, tracing his scar, and move to his rosy lips. My fingers linger there longer than they probably should have. I lean my face closer to his, I feel this urge to kiss him, I just can't ignore it. I let my lips touch his for a brief moment.

I keep my eye closed, afraid that I woke him, and even more afraid that I didn't. When I do open my eye I see that he is still silent in white.

"Why? Why can't you just wake up? Allen… I love you!" a sudden outburst I just couldn't control. It seems I can't control much anymore, bad news for a bookman, huh?

Wait, was that a twitch? It can't be! Oh please, please let it be true! If there is a god out there, truly is a god, please, let him wake up! I'll give anything…

"La…vi? Is that… you?"


	8. A Final Promise

**Allen's POV**

"I love you!"  
Suddenly it's so bright. The darkness is gone and I can't see anything. I know I heard that voice, though. Lavi... I think... Where is everyone else though? Why only him? "Lavi? Am I... dead?"

**Lavi's POV**

"Allen! You're awake!" I can't believe it... he's really here, this is really happening!  
"Nurse! Please someone! He's awake!" I'm so excited.  
"Allen? Allen can you hear me?" I say much more quietly to him, brushing his hair from his eyes.  
"Lavi? Am I... dead?" he whispers.  
I can't help but chuckle at the irony of his question. I've been thinking that myself for so long it seems. I can't stop them anymore, the feelings I get when I think of Allen.  
"Allen, I can't stand it..."  
"You mean... I really am dead then?" he lets out a soft sob and holds his broken ribs. He looks so innocent, breakable. In this moment I don't think I could love anyone more.  
"No Allen... Don't cry! I just... I can't stand loving you so much," it's finally out and he's finally concious enough to hear it, maybe even understand it. And strangely enough, I don't think I mind so much. I need this. I need him. He looks up at me and stares for a while, confused I think. After what seems like another forever, his face moves into a tiny smile, almost unnoticeable.

**Allen's POV**

"I can't stand it..."  
I can't believe it! I'm dead? I thought I was, but it's so much different to know it for sure! I think I'm crying...  
"I can't stand loving you so much."  
Wait... I'm not dead? I'm alive and breathing and everything is going to work out ok? And Lavi... loves me? I think that maybe I... no it's crazy, impossible, can't be true. I can't love Lavi back, he's... No that's not right either. He's perfect, he's my voice in the dark. He's the voice that brought me home...  
I can't help but smile a little at that thought. He's why I'm here right now, alive. If I didn't have his voice I'd be lost in the dark for sure. "Lavi?" I can barely speak...  
"Yes, Allen?" I can see his face, he looks worried. Almost like he's afraid of what I'll say.  
"I... Love you too."  
Immediately his face shifts into the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face. Before I know what's going on he's hugging me close and tight but, still in classic Lavi fashion, not tight enough to hurt me at all. He's warm and he feels so safe.  
I move my arms around him as best as I can, and give in to this comforting feeling. After the hug Lavi pulls away, but not very far. He looks at me, our faces so close, with a look of amazement. I move my hands to the back of his neck, I know I want this, and I know that what I want so much right now is to feel him kiss me... I don't care about consequences anymore. I pull him closer until our noses touch, the look in his eye changes from curious, to surprise, and finally settles on just closing while Lavi removes the small distance between our lips.  
Immediately I feel the warmth. It's like fire through my whole body and I try to move even closer, I want to feel everything I can. But I move too much and my ribs start to hurt. Lavi notices and breaks away from me.  
"Allen," he says with so much worry, "please don't hurt yourself. I couldn't take it if you were gone again."  
"I'm fine, I've had worse," I smile, and he sighs.

**Lavi's POV**

This kiss. All I can say, or think, or anything is just this kiss. I've waited so long for him to be awake, for him to know how I feel so I could be rejected and move on with my life. But this is so much more than I imagined could happen. It feels so right, like nothing else matters in the world but this moment with Allen. Suddenly he moves under me and I feel him wince, his ribs. How could I forget about his ribs? I'm such an idiot sometimes!  
"Allen, please don't strain yourself. I couldn't take it if you were gone again."  
"I'm fine, I've had worse," and he smiles that amazing smile. I sigh.  
"Allen, please, promise me something," I feel like I have to say this. I need to know that this is right, this is forever. I need to know for sure that I'm not dreaming...  
"Anything," he says.  
"Never leave me again," now I'm the breakable one.  
"I promise."  
I take back everything I said about that last kiss. The next one feels so much better, and I hope that that never changes.

THE END

Ah, I'm sorry! I know I promised I would write sooner (A LOT sooner) than I have, but I'm really glad I got to finish this! Hopefully everyone enjoys the ending. :) Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this story, you guys inspired me to actually get down and finish this, so thanks so much!  
And as always, thank you all so much for reading!


End file.
